The End of Your Life Book Club by Will Schwalbe

I should have known better. I love books and any book that talks about how books affect us all or speaks to a love of books gets my attention. When this book came out last fall I saw many write-ups about it and placed it on my reserve list at the library. After about six weeks I received an email telling me that it was ready for me and so I added it to my daily reading list.

In the book the author Will Schwalbe tells us of what happened when his 72 year old mother Mary Ann is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Most of us know that this is one of the most dreaded diagnosis with most folks living less than a year after diagnosis. For the author's Mom this is expected as well. Mary Ann Schwalbe has been an active women. At various times in her life involved in teaching, academic administration, college admissions, and then in her last career she became involved in several different groups and organizations helping refugees and children all over the world. She had traveled several times to Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other dangerous places. In fact it was on a trip to Pakistan that she first felt ill. Upon return to the states she was surprised to find it was not one of the normal bugs she picked up on her travels but advanced pancreatic cancer. As with most folks with this cancer it had spread to her liver before she even knew she had it.

Will's Mother is fortunate in that she has plenty of financial resources as do her children and she receives the best care to be had. Often taking her to chemothearapy himself Will and his Mother talk often about books. In fact he states that they have always talked about books, that " What are you reading" is one of the most common questions they have asked each other for years. So, while waiting for appointments, or while the slow process of chemotherapy takes place Will and his Mom talk about books and choose books to read together and then talk about.

I read a review of the book in The New York Times that was, in my opinion, quite harsh. The author wrote that the book was a bit dull, saccharine at times, and that Schwalbe was too often loyal to his Mother's memory rather than telling us more interesting details. I think that surely this book is not for everyone, I am not sure that I would even recommend it myself, but this book was a love letter from a son to his Mother. To expect him to show us the dirt on his deceased Mom is a silly expectation and were he to do so this would be an entirely different kind of book.

The chapters in the book all are titled after a book that Will and his Mom are reading and their discussions of them. Often these passages in the books can be found to have some meaning to what is going on in their lives currently or to have been meaningful at important times earlier.

Mary Ann is a net-worker, most likely was one long before it became a desired attribute. She is, as the author notes, her families travel agent and for some her style of parenting might even be considered a bit intrusive. One suspects that at various times even her children might have thought so.

It reminds me a bit of an Aunt I have that some people think is nosy and overbearing. I just never see it and agree with it, does she have flaws, of course, but she also has a huge heart that wants to know what is going on in your life, that appreciates caring and consideration, and is generous with her feelings. Sometimes I think we all want people to be that way for us, but only when we want them to be. Few people are there just when we want them, often they are there when we need them not when we want them. They are a treasure and one suspects that with maturity all of Mrs. Schwalbe's children realize how lucky they are to have this Mother.

Earlier I said I should have known better. Why? Well my Mother died two years ago this spring. She was elderly, in her eighties, and it was not a shock as she had been failing. Still it has been a heartache. My Mom and I talked often on the phone and while she was not as outgoing as the authors Mom she was a very caring person who spent her whole life putting others first. Last evening as I was near the end of the book I put it down, telling myself I did not want to read the conclusion, with the inevitable death, right before bed.

This morning when I picked up the book for the last forty pages I was sure that in the light of day it would be sad but I would not get upset. As this woman who I had come to know however had more and more pain that she finally admitted to, like my own Mother questions about how she felt were often met with " just uncomfortable" this while biting her lip, my heart started to get heavy. When she finally dies it is peaceful and her family is with her. It is a death we should all desire, no trauma, no drama, but still in the end this vibrant person is gone. It was too much for me, over the last ten pages my tears were running down my face slowly. A release of pain from my own Mother's death was suddenly very close to the surface. In the epilogue the author talks of still, now two years later, being about to call his Mother to talk about something or a book he is reading and that was what sealed the deal. After putting the book down I did not weep, I sobbed. If you knew how many times I have told my wife that I almost called Mom today then you would understand.

So you see it is hard for me to judge this book in an objective way. Is it a great book? I do not know. Does it have a limited audience? I expect so. Still for me it was a blessing, another way to think about the inevitable death we all face and perhaps a way to release some of the ever-present but mostly ignored pain of my own Mother's death and for that alone I am grateful.

Not many things affect me this much, in that I guess the author did something right.